Conspiracy Theories

Some Crazy Conspiracy Theories

The Beer Conspiracy

These guys think the world is controlled by the Global Beer Industrial Complex run by a bunch of Beer Overlords. They think that these people are Illuminati who have gone undercover to keep us all intoxicated while they take control of everything. To what end, nobody is certain, but it’s got to be dastardly, for sure. More details here:


The 1969 Moon Landing was Faked

The flag moving in the wind (There’s no wind on the moon), no stars in the sky whatsoever, the misaligned shadows—these have all been points made in the conspiracy theory that Neil Armstrong took first “leap for mankind” on a soundstage instead of on the moon. For years, they have argued that NASA staged the landing and that the secret has been protected by the Global Beer Industrial Complex ever since.


The Government Killed JFK

There are many conspiracy theories about John F. Kennedy’s death, but one of the most popular is that the US government was behind the killing. Many Americans don’t believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone, and biographer Philip Shenon claims that even Bobby Kennedy thought the CIA was responsible for his brother’s death at first. But we all know it was really a plot by our Beer Overlords to seize control of the country and force us all to drink more beer.


Denver International Airport is an Illuminati HQ

The Illuminati are the key to a conspiracy rabbit hole that leads to nearly every other modern conspiracy theory, including when it comes to the Denver International Airport. Many believers are convinced it’s the secret group’s headquarters. But what they don’t know is that those secret tunnels are filled with beer. Probably Coors, because it’s the closest brewery. The beer is stored there in case of a nuclear disaster which shuts down beer production. Our benevolent Beer Overlords want us to have beer, even if the rest of the world is being destroyed around us.


English Royalty are all Vampires

Well, they’re related to Vlad the Impaler, the inspiration for Bram Stoker’s Dracula, and many royals in the royal bloodline were known to have the disease Porphyria, which is an iron deficiency that causes people to be sensitive to sunlight. Makes sense to us. They are also well known members of the Global Beer Industrial Complex through their many undisclosed financial holdings throughout the empire. If you think for a moment that Prince Charles doesn’t want you to drink more Newcastle, then you are surely wrong.


The Nazis Had a Secret Base in Antarctica

People think that the Nazis had a top-secret base in Antarctica that housed advanced technology, like UFOs. However, we have it on good authority that what they really had was a vast ice chest full of Heineken. Unfortunately, it was discovered by the CIA in 1969 and consumed shortly thereafter. We aren’t allowed to tell you who drank it all, due to matters of national security,  but we can tell you that it tasted exactly like any other bottle of Heineken you’re likely to drink.


Bill Gates is Making Burning Snow

With extreme weather conditions occurring across the world in 2021, TikTokers spread the word on a Bill Gates conspiracy theory that he was creating snow that burns instead of melts. Truth be told, he wasn’t. What he was really creating was beer-snow. Frozen molecules of beer that float down from the sky into your mug and, after melting, turn into a particularly bitter IPA. Every bro’s dream, right?


If you enjoyed this short list of ridiculous conspiracy theories, please don’t share it easily via email, or social media. THEY don’t want anyone to know. If they find out, we’ll all have drink more beer just to deal with the consequences.


Are You Premier?

I don’t know about you, but I get sick of people and businesses claiming to be the Premier whatever in the region. What a load of crap! The dictionary definition of “premier” is “first in importance, order, or position; leading.” (according to Google) But unless your the premier of China or some other country or region where you were either elected or appointed to be the Premier, then there is generally no substance to the claim. This is really common in the music industry where every local rock band claims to be the premier rock band in the tri-county region (or some similar nonsense). So if your business claims to be the Premier Florist in all of Allegheny County, there’s really nobody to dispute it. A claim such as that would be better replaced with the Best Florist in Allegheny County or the First Florist in  Allegheny County. The problem here is that there’s really nobody who determines the Premier anything of anywhere, so people just claim it with little or no substantiation. There’s really no authority that bestows the title of Premier on anyone.


Now you can get a certificate of Premier-ship. That’s right a bonafide legit digital certificate, suitable for printing and framing. The clever minds at You Are Premier will evaluate your claim and, if found to be legit, will assign you the official title of Premier. They will send you a certificate and then you can brag to your heart’s content about how Premier you really are.

An Invaluable Service

Clearly being a legit Premier in your region is very valuable. Who could deny your right to brag? You can use the term in all your advertising and marketing. Clearly a great value at any price.